What is toxic positivity (TP)? What is spiritual bypassing (SB)? Are these harmful or helpful practices? How can we avoid the traps and tropes of TP and SB? Let's learn to acknowledge our real and raw emotions and experiences while still being able to allow meaningful gratitude in our lives!

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In this episode, I discuss:

• 00:38 Welcome & Intro
• 02:50 Brief Grounding & Mindfulness Practice
• 04:49 Feelings Check-In - Gratitude, Thanksgiving
• 07:13 Intro to Toxic Positivity
• 09:23 Is toxic positivity a problem?
• 11:08 What can we do instead?
• 13:38 What is spiritual bypassing?
• 15:49 Gratitude Practice: Acknowledging Resistance
• 23:35 Gratitude If-Ermations

Episode Show Notes:

"Hello. Thank you, as always, for being here with me. If you are listening right away, we are still in November, and here in the United States, that means we are in the month of Thanksgiving. And this is a month where we see an extra focus on the practice of gratitude, which is a practice or a set of practices that I really, really love, appreciate, respect. And also, as with so many things, when we have this month that is very much highlighting this issue, it starts to feel a little bit overdone, overplayed, overcommercialized, lacking deeper meaning.

And so today I want to talk a little bit about how to engage in practices of gratitude without kind of falling into the traps or tropes of toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing. So, we'll talk a little bit about what those things are, and then offer some ideas for how we can practice more meaningfully, how we can avoid those things.

And then we'll do a little meditation together, focusing on gratitude, but starting by really acknowledging the real and raw emotions, experiences, resistances of where we are in the moment, which is a huge part of any authentic practice or meditation practice, is acknowledging the reality of where we are, starting where we are at, and those experiences of the moment, whatever, wherever they are, however they differ from what someone tells us that we might should do, or what we might think is the ideal, and then still allowing ourselves to engage in the practice.

So as always, let's start with a little check in first. Just tuning in to your body, your breath, the moment, sort of grounding, noticing how you're feeling. So maybe begin by bringing in awareness to the connection points between your body and whatever you're standing, walking, sitting, or resting on. Drawing awareness to those points of connection, pressure, foundation, support. And then allow that awareness to begin to travel up and out through the rest of your physical body. How does your physical self feel in this moment? What's feeling solid, supportive, strong? What's feeling like I didn't want to get out of bed this morning? Any discomforts, any pains, any anxieties in the tissues?

And then go ahead and expand that awareness out to your breath. Take a moment to notice the natural qualities of your inhale and your exhale. And then perhaps take a longer, fuller, deeper, more expansive breath in through the nose. And an easy full out through the nose or the mouth.

All right, my friend. How are you doing? How are you feeling? What came up for you in that moment?

And I would offer an additional question here: What comes up for you when you think about the concept of gratitude? And then what comes up for you when you think about the idea of the holiday of Thanksgiving?

Of course, this is a very complex, loaded holiday with a very dramatic, traumatic history. And I will actually dive just a little bit more into that next week. But for now, just notice, when you think about the idea of Thanksgiving, what does that bring up for you?

For some people, it is absolutely wonderful, happy, homey, warm memories and feelings. For some of us, maybe it's a little more neutral, not great, not bad. For some of us, maybe it brings up some really achy memories or some really strong feelings about Indigenous cultures and colonization.

And I personally have some stronger feelings toward Thanksgiving as it existed in my past, particularly in my childhood and younger adulthood. And I also have really tried to change, to reframe the way that I think and feel about it. And also to change the rituals, the ways in which I celebrate.

So again, we'll visit that a little more next week. But for now, I want to set aside Thanksgiving for a moment, come back to this idea of a more general gratitude practice, which we do hear mentioned so much more in November in the United States.

And this thought or this idea that if we just focus on gratitude, that everything else will be okay. If we just focus on gratitude, our lives will be better. If we just focus on gratitude, then there's no time or space for negative things in our life.

And this is, of course, an example of toxic positivity. So what is toxic positivity exactly?

I like this definition that I found on reverse optimism: "It is the belief that a positive mindset should be maintained at all times regardless of circumstances. This approach overlooks the importance of acknowledging and processing negative emotions. The term has gained traction in psychological discussions and popular media, emphasizing the importance of emotional authenticity. The phrase toxic positivity first emerged in psychological discourse to critique the unrealistic expectation that individuals should only exhibit positive emotions. This mindset often minimizes the genuine struggles people face, reducing complex emotions to mere annoyance or weakness."

And so in the modern, you know, wellness movements and particularly with the growth of all this online media and content, there comes this pressure to always stay in this positive space, which again, if we're just constantly focusing on good vibes and love and light or gratitude, then it's not creating space for this real authentic emotional experience of the wide array of emotions that we may be experiencing alternately, intermittently, all at once, because humans are complex.

And so why would this be a problem?

Optimism is great, positivity is great, but why would this idea of a little too much or taking it too far or toxic positivity potentially be harmful?

So maybe think about a situation where you have tried to show up as an authentic, vulnerable, emotional human, and you have shared an experience with someone, and they say something like, just think positively.

How did that make you feel?

And so if we create a society where this is sort of a go-to, then we're going to discourage people showing up as open, honest, vulnerable humans, discourage showing their real emotions, discourage hiding their struggles, and that can lead to isolation.

It can also lead to avoiding or delaying the healing process.

So we know that processing our emotions is a huge part of healing.

And so if we're just suppressing or avoiding, moving by, moving on, then we're not actually working through those experiences to move to true healing.

Also, it's just creating unrealistic expectations.

You know, if we see people, if we see influencers sort of always in this everything is good vibes and love and light space, then everyone sort of gets on this track to try to be the same way.

And then we all feel inadequate and people start to burn out.

So what can we do?

Can we engage and can we offer to ourselves and to others to avoid this trap?

Coming back to the example of trying to share something with someone that is emotional, vulnerable, raw, real, and they say, just stay positive, how could someone be with you, hear you, respond to you, in that scenario, that would feel better?

Just active listening, just being there, engaged, really listening, hearing what the person has to say.

And then using emotional validation as part of that.

Ah, I hear you.

I'm here for you.

Oh, that sounds really hard.

And then also giving people the space to experience these emotions and to not be okay.

It is okay not to be okay.

We will all have those periods, and we will all hopefully get out of them with more learning and growth, but acknowledging, like, ah, you're really struggling right now.

And then also offering that little bit of positivity, but in a realistic way.

You're really struggling right now, and I believe in your ability to get through it.

And then maybe add some support.

How can I help you with that getting through it?

And maybe they're not quite ready for that yet.

Maybe at first, it's just the engaged listening.

It's just the emotional validation.

And then later, when they're feeling ready, then you move into the, how can I help support you move through this?

So instead of resorting to phrases like, keep your vibes high, stay positive, let it go, look on the bright side, could be worse.

Maybe we are zeroing in on things more like, I am sorry you are feeling this way.

How can I support you?

It's okay to be upset right now.

You don't have to have it all figured out at this moment.

I understand that you are going through something really tough.

Give yourself some grace.

I am here for you no matter what.

And then in addition to some of those toxic positivity phrases like, keep your vibe high and stay positive, we will also sometimes hear things like everything happens for a reason.

Let go and let the universe handle it.

It's all a part of your soul's journey.

And these are examples of a type of toxic positivity called spiritual bypassing.

This term was coined in the 1980s by a psychologist and psychotherapist named John Wellwood, noticing this tendency of folks in his practice to use religion, use spirituality, use those kinds of beliefs to kind of avoid facing some of their psychological, emotional issues or difficult parts of their life.

So like with positivity, spirituality and religion can of course be absolutely wonderful, powerful, profound tools for growth and healing.

But when we reach this place where again we are dismissing, avoiding, suppressing real experiences and emotions, then it can become harmful.

So with spiritual bypassing, instead of focusing on phrases like, it's all part of the divine plan or it's just a spiritual test, again, we can come back to being present, open, honest, authentic, listening and acknowledging other people's journeys, experiencing, allowing, processing our own real deep, raw emotions to move toward that authentic healing.

Okay, that was a lot of info, stuff.

So let's do a little practice.

I want to tap into a little bit of gratitude meditation, and then I want to do some affirmations.

If you haven't done affirmations with me before, they're really similar to affirmations.

They're just worded in a way that are a little more accessible for your brain.

So we tend to have an easier time stating them with less resistance.

So we'll do those at the end, and you'll just repeat after me.

As always, I invite you to begin by getting really comfortable, whatever that means for you.

And if you are a mover, getting yourself set up to move slowly through a familiar area, sitting wherever feels right for the moment, getting some cushions, bolsters, lying down, allowing yourself to start to settle into whatever this comfortable supportive shape is for you.

And as you begin to settle into this shape that you are choosing for today's practice, come back to an awareness of the points of connection between your body and the earth.

Feel the support of your feet, or parts of your legs, or hips, glutes, or back.

And as you tune in to this sense of support, this physical connection, could you shift anything in your position to find a little more comfort, a little more ease?

Bring a gentle awareness back to the sense of your breath.

Notice the feeling of your inhale.

Notice the feeling of your exhale.

I would like you to bring to mind a person with whom you had an interaction over the past few days, who's not someone you're particularly close to, but not someone you have struggle with, maybe someone you see intermittently, a peer or colleague that you had an interaction with over the past few days.

Imagine this person and this interaction.

And then start to cultivate, start to grow, start to feel a little bit of gratitude, a sense of thankfulness for this person and this interaction.

And as you start to generate, to grow, to feel this gratitude, what else comes up for you?

Is this an awkward invitation?

Is it difficult?

Is there resistance?

Imagining this person, holding this person in your mind's eye, thinking about gratitude for them.

Gratitude, gratitude.

What does this bring up mentally, emotionally?

And your nervous system, and your body, and your tissues.

And as you feel, whatever sensations come up for you here, whatever awareness, notice that and come back to the idea of gratitude, both experiences, both sensations, both emotions are real.

Come back for a moment to the sense of your breath.

Feel you're in, feel you're out.

And I'd like you to call to mind a person you've had an interaction with recently that was difficult, a person with whom there's some conflict, struggle, strife.

Hold this person in your mind's eye, reflecting on this reaction.

And as you begin to generate a feeling of gratitude for and toward this person, notice what comes up.

Growing, feeling, experiencing this sense of thankfulness for and toward this person.

Where is the struggle?

Where is the resistance?

Where do you feel it?

Mentally, emotionally, physically?

Allow yourself to experience that.

Allow yourself to experience the realness and the rawness of any negativity or resistance.

And could you still grow, expand, feel a bit of gratitude for this person, for this interaction?

Both are real.

Come back to notice the experience of your breath for a moment.

And allow yourself to call to mind a person who you love, admire, trust deeply, who is a person in your life you are very close to, whom you love, who loves you.

Hold this person in your mind's eye.

And as you begin to feel, to generate, to grow a sense of gratitude toward this person, how does that feel?

Where do you feel that?

What other sensations, thoughts, experiences, emotions come up for you as you hold this person whom you love very much in your mind and create this sense of thankfulness for and toward this person?

And come back to the experience of your breath.

Feel your in, feel your out.

And now, I will offer a few phrases that I would like you to repeat aloud to yourself with as much conviction as you can.

What if I could experience gratitude for all the good things in my life, no matter how small?

What if I could fully experience gratitude even when I'm also feeling resistance?

What if I could share unconditional gratitude with others without embarrassment, without shame, without expectation of reciprocity?

What if I could fully believe that it is okay to practice self care even in the face of others' hardships?

What if I could make space for gratitude even while acknowledging the unjustness of the world?

What if I could fully experience gratitude even when I'm also feeling resistance?

Coming back to the breath, feel your natural in and your natural out.

And take a fuller in and a slower out.

If you're seated or lying down, go ahead and bring some gentle movement back into the body.

Open the eyes, if you close them down.

How are you doing?

How are you feeling?

Next week, we'll take a little more of a deep dive into the Thanksgiving holiday specifically, into some other gratitude practices specifically.

Until then, I would encourage you to keep up with your gratitude journal, to keep up with any gratitude practices or meditations that we're doing.

Until next time, take care of yourself....."